This is my first post. I’m going to present a hypothetical with multiple choices. It is up to you to choose the right answer. The right answer isn’t the one that is right. The right answer isn’t your gut instinct. The right answer isn’t even listed here. Choose wisely.
Q: Imagine you are driving in your car. You are in a city. A big city. Skyscrapers line the blocks and you have to strain a peek at the sky through your windshield because you’re an inattentive driver who worries that the skyscrapers will eat the sky rather than focusing on the road ahead.
Back to the road. You are late for something. A date. Your date is very picky about timeliness and you’ve screwed up in the past. Your date has told you that if you are late this time, the relationship will end. You go seven miles over the speed limit thinking that is an acceptable number that police radars will ignore. This is not very helpful. You decide to use the GPS application on your phone to find a faster route to your meeting point.
You input commands into the phone and that elicits a positive response from it. Your nipples harden slightly. There are shortcut directions on your screen promising to get you there on time. They tell you to make a left at the next intersection and to watch out for the giant, killer monster waiting to crush your skull and drink your blood.
You don’t think any thoughts for 0.07 seconds after receiving this information. The road continues to move underneath your car.
You simultaneously text seven of your friends to find out if they know anything about this giant, killer monster around the corner.
Three of your friends respond claiming to have taken that left. One regrets it saying they had their skull crushed in by a giant, killer monster and it drank their blood. One cautions that if you go fast enough and there’s a lot of traffic the monster might not notice you. One okays it saying the monster doesn’t exist and your GPS is fucking with you.
Three other friends respond claiming they didn’t take the left. One went straight ahead and was late to a date, getting to the meeting point in time to see their date finishing oral sex on someone else. One took a right at the intersection and drove into the anus of a tiny, harmless, animal. One turned around and their GPS application thought they were mocking it, so it overloaded the phone and blew it up. Tiny phone shards were flung into your friend’s face and they say it really put a damper on their day.
One friend isn’t actually your friend and says, “Don’t ever text me again while driving, you could harm someone with your inattentiveness.”
The intersection is seven seconds away, do you:
A. Go left.
B. Go right.
C. Go straight.
D. Turn around.
E. Stop the car, get out, and crush the skull/drink the blood of the next person to come driving around the right corner.
F. Stop the car, get out, and toss your phone around the left corner.
G. Call your date and tell them to go fuck their self.
H. Call your one friend who isn’t really your friend and apologize for calling them a giant, killer monster the other day.
I. Call your mother and let her know how you’re doing.
J. Wonder aloud to yourself why you’re a seven year old child driving a car and on a date with a much older person.
K. Ask the giant, killer monster out on a date.
L. All of the above.
M. None of the above.
J.W. Wargo is a Nomadic Bizarro Storyteller originally from Boise, Idaho. His travels have taken him from Budapest to Honolulu and all points in between. He has a Bizarro fiction novella out called Avoiding Mortimer.