by Garrett Cook and Matthew Winner
Sharktopus Memorial Civic Auditorium is full of press and celebrities. Bruce Springsteen pets a hungry dog, not knowing he is a level 19 druid polymorphed by exposure to extreme radiation. The moderator of the debate does not introduce the candidates, but instead weeps quietly. Candidate Slugeater approaches the podium like a tornado of tinkertoys. Everybody in the crowd looks away. Behind him approaches Pseudoninja attempting to hide behind a smallish black sheet.
Candidate Slugeater clears his bloated throat and begins his opening remarks.
“I, Slugeater want to be the President of the United States. I want to be the president of the United States so I can chase all the people out of their houses into the street. I will shred newspaper over their heads as they run in fear like little snowflakes. Then I will probably lose interest and stomp on all of their buildings like little log cabins. I have never very much liked these little people and that is why I want to be their president.”
Bruce Springsteen whispers to the polymorphed druid in dogspeak. The druid does not in fact speak dog. Bruce Springsteen regrets yet again that he is not running. But there’s always tomorrow.
Slugeater’s opponent Pizzahawk flies in, shattering a gigantic picture window and killing several celebrities with shards of glass. Bruce Springsteen is safe because of the druid’s protection from glass spell. Tom Petty, seated beside him is not. Bruce is secretly grateful and feels mildly guilty at the same time. He flags down a Pop Tart vendor.
Candidate Pizzahawk begins his opening remarks.
“I say pizza, you say hawk…PIZZA…HAWK!”
The audience says pizza and then says hawk. The enthusiasm is infectious. Even Slugeater says both pizza and hawk. Pseudoninja is rolling around on the ground and waving his hands and feet in the air and yelling “I’m a ninja, I’m a ninja!” Slugeater looks confused. Bruce Springsteen is undecided who to vote for. And so is Miley Cyrus. Pizzahawk’s runningmate Dante Alighieri leaps through the window with his best courtly screengirl under his arm. She is blonde and her brown hair is high as the ceiling. Dante buries his head in her bosom. Out of shyness. Wiping tears from his eyes, he begins his opening remarks.
“Well, shucks, I ain’t no big city lawyer, but I know what I like about America.”
Dante gets a standing ovation, although there really should have been something at the end of that paragraph. Bruce Springsteen and Miley Cyrus fistfight over the opportunity to write a song about Dante’s remarks.
Slugeater begins his rebuttal.
“My name is Slugeater. I want to be your president because I want to steal all of your cash moneys and have sex with all of your monster trucks and orange juice containers. I think I will be a very good president because I am very sensitive and I like little children. A lot. Please vote for Slugeater because if you do not vote for Slugeater, Slugeater will destroy every bicycle in your orchestra. Thank you ladies and gentlemen for your patience and gratitude. My name is Slugeater.”
Tom Petty’s ghost levitates onto Slugeater’s back. He endorses the candidate by placing the top hat he wore in the Don’t Come Around Here No More video on Slugeater’s head.
Pseudoninja climbs one of the curtains of the stage. He rises five feet into the air and starts hanging on for dear life.
“Help! Someone! Please! Please!”
An entire sorority drinks poison in support of their beloved future vice president. Slugeater looks nervous because this raises the issue of an afterlife. Slugeater believes in an afterlife, but only for himself. Pizzahawk and Dante might not be tough on crime, but their afterlife platform is notoriously solid. Seeing an opening, the moderator poses the question directly to Slugeater. Slugeater seems visibly nervous. And answers awkwardly.
“My name is Slugeater. Over the length of my long and prestigious career, I have made many people die. I do not have any particular opinion on the subject but I will say that my name is Slugeater…could you please repeat the question?”
A girl with glasses who thought Slugeater was the cutest guy in school rises from her seat.
“It was you!” she cries out, “It was always you!” She takes off her glasses and everyone is impressed by what they see. Slugeater suddenly wears an expression of shock.
“You! It can’t be you! That can’t be possible!”
Dante weeps openly, falls to the stage convulsing. He reawakens with a brilliant healthcare plan that no one will ever listen to .
Slugeater begins speaking to this mysterious woman who happens to have lots of red hair.
“My name is Slugeater. How could you have come here? Don’t you know that I have always loved you so hugely? Why have you never responded to any of my sincere letters? Have you been getting all of the money I send you all of the time? My name is Slugeater. And I love you.”
The audience applauds wildly.
“I too have always loved this woman,” says Pizzahawk.
“My name is Slugeater. That’s impossible. My name is Slugeater.” Slugeater’s eyes widen like two jellyfish widening.
Pizzahawk drops pizza from the sky onto the audience. Bruce Springsteen composes a song. And it is excellent. Americans at home watching the debate remember all their Christmases at once as if they are suddenly flashing in front of their eyes. They understand that Pizzahawk forgives them for all of their murders.
Meanwhile another one of Dante Alighieri’s courtly screen women, a strange veiled blackhaired beauty walks up to the stage and begins berating Dante.
“You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’. Now it’s gone! Don’t you remember the good time in the bubble bath with all the toys?”
A strange looks crosses Dante Alighieri’s face and he wants more than ever to become vice president. He approaches the microphone.
“America is a land of adventure and diversity. It is a land of many customs.”
He sits back down. Pseudoninja is climbing the blonde’s hair. She does not seem to notice Pseudoninja.
“I am Slugeater,” says Pseudoninja, “and I am in love with all of you. I am Slugeater.”
Slugeater steps up to the microphone.
“My name is Slugeater. I do not love all of you. My name is Slugeater. I would just like to clarify that I do not love any of you.”
The girl with glasses is heartbroken. She goes to the prom with Pizzahawk. The audience waits with baited breath to find out if Pizzahawk will win his bet with Dante to lose his virginity. Pseudoninja dives off the courtly blonde and employs his best pickup line on the mysterious veiled woman with black hair as he falls through the air:
“Hey baby, I’m your lovin’ man!” he shrieks.
The veiled woman pulls back her veil to reveal that she is Pseudoninja’s sister. He lands flat on his face and loses consciousness. An ecstatic Dante faints dead away. Slugeater has the stage to himself but wants to know if Pizzahawk got laid on prom night .He stakes out the hotel with binoculars and a bag of potato chips. The people in the auditorium see none of this. Slugeater really should have brought a camera crew.
Several Americans consider voting for the third party candidate. The third party candidate unfortunately suffers from a rare blood disorder that renders him invisible. He also does not speak English. So America waits, eager to find out if Pizzahawk won his bet.
Slugeater has lost interest because he does not know what sex means. His mother never explained it to him. He stumbles drunkenly back to the stage and begins what seems to be a closing remark with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand.
“My name is Slugeater. I would like for you to give me the all of your votes for me. To be the president, because I would be the president, because I would like to get rid of all of the arts, and the architecture because I hate it and I wish for it go away. I also want to get rid of all the fuzzy dogs and cats. I want to throw them off of my favorite cliff and into my least favorite ocean. Please give me all of the votes so I can be the president. My name is Slugeater.”
Pizzahawk swoops back in carrying the girl with glasses in his talons.
“It was you,” she says to Slugeater, “it was always you.”
Bruce Springsteen gives a standing ovation. He writes a song. It is not very good. Miley Cyrus writes a song. And it is brilliant. Pseudoninja has awakened and is crawling helplessly across the floor and begging for orange juice from the people in the front row. The polymorphed druid licks his face.
Pseudoninja’s once veiled sister kicks Dante awake.
“You’d better shape up, because I need a man and my heart is set on you.”
Dante quickdraws a samurai sword, decapitating Pizzahawk.
“I’m sorry, America. This was a complex issue.”
The crowd begins to notice that Slugeater has disappeared. He’s probably off pursuing some new interest that has just appeared in his mind. But he has left behind on the podium a single cowboy hat and an empty bottle of Jack Daniels. A little boy in footie pajamas approaches the podium donning the cowboy hat and swigging the Jack Daniels. He yells, “My name is Slugeater. Please give to me all of your candies. Right away. My name is Slugeater.”
And there is only one decision left for America to make.